Seiyuu Madness Gundam
by Nightfall Rising
Summary: Heero, Duo, and Zechs chat at a party. Voice actor xo (but no real people). Yaoi suggestions (but nothing vanilla) Carefully crafted (but nothing sane). References GW, FY, Utena, Eva, Slayers, Saiyuki, Ranma, Excell, and El Hazzard. Key at back.


Disclaimer: These guys belong to their makers, not to me. (eyes cross) All of them.  
  
READ ME FIRST: Whoo boy. Um. I don't know how to apologize for this one, since I actually hate crossovers myself, except to offer up the excuse of my teeny tiny little voice-actor obsession. Eheh. I just like to keep track of who plays what, that's all... There's a key at the bottom of the page. Whether you read it first or last, it should sort out any confusion. Well, most of it. Anyway, I'd have to say that this takes place in a universe so alternate it probably needs to be called a metaverse. It *must* be read in a state of suspended disbelief.  
  
MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR: Evangelion, Gundam Wing, Slayers (first season), Utena, Fushigi Yuugi  
  
MAKES REFERENCE TO: all of the above, plus Ranma 1/2, Excell Saga, El Hazard, Gensomaden Saiyuki  
  
Repeat: THERE IS A KEY AT THE BOTTOM. Two, in fact. One by series, one by voice actor.  
  
Seiyuu Madness Gundam  
  
by Nightfall  
  
It was the Reception To End All Receptions, a party held by the Queen of the World to celebrate the closure of the War To End All Wars, and Heero Yuy was sulking.  
  
Duo had kind of expected that. But only kind of. He would have completely expected it before Heero had tumbled out of Wing Zero grinning his head off, but now the worst he'd expected was for Heero to prop himself up against a wall and people-watch without talking to anybody all evening. Active sulking was something he'd been relieved to cross off the list, and here it was, spiting him.  
  
Well, Trowa usually preferred to give people their space, and Quatre and Sally were over there trying to pour spiked punch into Wufei to get him to stop moping over Treize, and Noin was glued to Zechs. Of the people Heero would actually speak to, that left the claw-handed creepazoid who was never getting within a light-year of Heero again if Duo could help it and Relena, who was not only yikes and busy being diplomatic but came with Dorothy, who was yikes to the nth power cubed.  
  
"If you want a job done," he said with a sigh to no one in particular, and strolled on over. "If you want to stare a hole in the wall," he advised, handing over his cup of punch, "you're gonna have to get an eyepiece."  
  
"Hmph," Heero snorted, but he drank the punch.  
  
"So!" he said cheerfully, leaning up next to him, "what crawled up your spandex and died?" Heero blinked at him, and then blinked at the empty cup as though he thought it was jamming his reception. Duo, knowing perfectly well that iced coffee was more Heero's speed, smirked innocently up at the ceiling. "I mean," he elaborated, "what's bugging you?"  
  
Heero, alarmed under the great stoneface, flicked his eyes at the corners of the room. And the chandeliers. And the doorways. And the curtains. Then he began to peer suspiciously at passing corsages.  
  
Duo rolled his eyes. "I mean, what's bothering you, Heero," he groaned. "If you just stand here like a statue, eventually you're going to set off Her Masochistic Majesty's stalker mode, so you'd better tell me about it and get it off your chest."  
  
"She only has one mode," Heero said gloomily. "You should have seen her in Ohtori Academy, when there weren't any restrictions."  
  
"Happily, I missed out on that one," Duo said fervently. "Although, you know, I met her one time in the desert and she wasn't so bad, even if I did have to shoot her. But I know your sulking-about-Relena face sideways, and this ain't it."  
  
After a long moment, Heero's mouth screwed up in what would have been a long sigh on someone else and declared flatly, "It's Zechs."  
  
Hearing his name, Zechs left Noin with Relena and headed over.  
  
Duo blinked. "What about him?"  
  
"I can't fight him, now that there's peace."  
  
"Why not? Just reserve a room at the gym and spar your little hearts out."  
  
"Sure," he said gloomily, "but I can't get away with killing him anymore."  
  
"Huh?" he frowned, surprised. "Why would you want to, now the war's over? What've you got against Zechs?"  
  
"Yeah, Yuy," Zechs asked, coming into conversational range, "what've you got against me?"  
  
Heero's eyes snapped wide open and his head jerked up. "You lab-crawling demonic chicken-breeder!" he shouted. Duo looked at the punch bowl with awe, and exchanged a thumbs-up with Quatre who was, like the rest of the room, staring at them in slack-jawed silence. "How can you even ask that? You know perfectly well what I've got against you, you allegedly incestuous bastard! You turned me into a chimera!"  
  
Heero noticed that he was being stared at.  
  
Sullenly, he explained to the room at large, "I got better." But he went on, raising his voice again, "But you did! Don't try to deny it. You can grow your hair, you can even bleach it, but that mask doesn't have a Darth Vader function and I'd know you anywhere! You made me blue and stony! Three whole seasons of pure angst! PURE ANGST! Because of you, I've seen hell!"  
  
Zechs tsked, not looking very abashed at all. "You shouldn't be so vain," he scolded.  
  
"Oh, look who's talking," Heero scoffed. "Emperor Narcissus himself. Couldn't look away from the mirror even if a girl fell out of the sky."  
  
"I did so," Zechs said, offended. "I was head over heels and you know it."  
  
"With MY GIRLFRIEND! AND you ran me through."  
  
"Well," Zechs defended himself mildly, "your little redheaded sorceress friend returned the favor, you know. Besides, you were evil at the time."  
  
"I was being manipulated, and you enjoyed it!"  
  
"I didn't enjoy it at all. You think I didn't know Miaka would never look at me again after that?"  
  
Duo took a moment to flinch quietly at the Infamous Dreaded M-word. You never knew, if you said the M-word, whether Heero's eyes would glaze over and he'd start dazedly chanting it over and over again and clutching spasmodically at his money-belt or not. Fortunately, it didn't look like he was going to show that kind of insan--er, weakness in front of Zechs. "It was necessary, that's all. You've never understood the dictates of statecraft, not ever."  
  
"Well, forgive me for being a tenor," Heero muttered, scowling, and Zechs dipped his head in acknowledgement of the point: Heero would never be given the chance to learn about leadership; not with a voice that was on the light side and tended to sound like he had a cold.  
  
Duo laughed. "Like 'Lord Ilpallazo' can really talk about statecraft."  
  
Zechs took that in good part, and grinned back at him. "I have to admit, that was fun. Besides, Heero, I have to say, you're very easily manipulated, aren't you? First Odin Lowe and then the good doctor. I won't even mention Akio..."  
  
"I wouldn't, if I were you," Heero said, almost grinning. "At least I got to graduate and rest in peace at the end of that, and he actually had to hit me at a low point and mess with my head before I'd work for him. You, as I recall, were a sleazy bundle of ambitious hot air who spent the entire second season sulking in his room with Dvorak on when you weren't a traumatized ghost. And I never had to screw him."  
  
"No, just the transgender witch," Zechs smirked. "I'd take Akio over Mamiya any time."  
  
"Don't you mean, Akio'd take you?" Heero smirked back.  
  
"Hey," Duo protested. "I won't hear a word against Mamiya. I was married to her after Third Impact, ya know."  
  
They both looked at him with interest. "Did she ever bring out the leather bikini and the skull necklace?" Heero asked. "Since she was a guy at the time she never did that for me, but everyone who was ever in Ohtori knows how she is about playacting, and I've heard these stories from my friend Lina..."  
  
Duo made a face. "Ranma, that dumbass jerk," he complained. "Always after my girl." He paused. "I think. I was too vain to keep my glasses on for most of that. And then I kept turning into a duck."  
  
They both looked at him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You were the duck?" Zechs asked, amused.  
  
Duo planted a finger in his chest. "I'll have you know that ducks are three times smarter than any goose ever hatched, tall or not. All you have to do is feed them to see the difference. You'll see."  
  
"Even blind ones?" he asked innocently.  
  
"Oh, shut up," Duo glowered. "Anyway, that's the pot calling the kettle red."  
  
"Well, I suppose I'll get off your case about the Black Rose incident," Zechs offered generously to Heero, ignoring Duo with his dignity intact. "After all, you refrained from corrupting my Treize when he was the Onion Prince."  
  
Heero smiled, and it was a little less sharp-edged than usual. "Oh," he dismissed that, "there was nothing to work with there. There never is with him."  
  
"I don't know," Duo said thoughtfully. "I heard something about these big bugs in El Hazard... of course, that's just through the rumor mill."  
  
"No, I can confirm that," Zechs nodded. "But we all go through an evil phase now and then."  
  
"Hn. But I was just telling Duo that Relena, when she was in Ohtori..."  
  
"Don't remind me," Zechs shuddered. "Did you see the Project Book? Anthy saw it. I got the story from Nanami, but you should ask Mamiya. That was frightening stuff and very well thought out. Ever since I got out of there, I've had a morbid fear of ash and honey blonds. Your friend Quatre doesn't seem like a bad kid, but keep that Catalonia girl away from me, that's all I ask, thank God I had Quinze to run interference... You know, I have to say, Heero, I suspect that you brought this obsession of my little sibling's upon yourself."  
  
"Why?" Heero frowned. "It was Nanami she--I mean, he, you know, Tsuwabuki-- was obsessed with then."  
  
"You brought out her--I mean his--worst side, though," Zechs pointed out. "That's a lot of power to have over a little kid." He smirked. "I should know." Heero glared poignards at him, and he ruffled the boy's already hopeless hair and went on. "But she must have remembered it."  
  
"Maybe," Heero grudged, glaring up through what remained of his bangs. "Possibly."  
  
"But I want to hear more about this project book!" Duo said brightly. "Tell you what, let's blow this joint and go get some coffee and you can tell us about it, Zechs. If I bring along one of my Chinese tagalongs I could probably call it expenses and use The Credit Card, and I know just the guy. It sounds like the kind of thing my buddy Hakkai would appreciate-- although maybe I should take a horse tranquilizer first or he'll fall over and die of shock."  
  
Zechs choked and lost a couple of shades of color. "Tabris? You want to have coffee with the Last Angel?!"  
  
"Well, he'll probably have tea," Duo said, trying to be fair. "It'll be okay as long as we don't let him at the sake."  
  
"You don't know what you're getting into, Maxwell. You can call yourself the god of death if you want, but you haven't seen killing until you've met this guy."  
  
"Huh," Heero said, beginning to smile. "It sounds like a good idea to me. You can always rely on Xellos to be polite, anyway, and you're right, it does sound like the kind of thing he'd appreciate. And maybe afterwards I can get properly laid for once in my life."  
  
"What am I," demanded Duo indignantly, "chopped liver?"  
  
"You're not a mazoku," Heero said unapologetically, his eyes gleaming. "Trust me on this... You can join us, if you like."  
  
"The hell I can," he grumbled. "You can join us. I can see I'm going to have to speak with Hakkai."  
  
"Wait a minute," Zechs frowned, confused. "I thought you were always fighting with him, Heero."  
  
Heero opened his mouth, and then closed it to frown. "How do you know that? You were dead by the time I met him. Twice."  
  
"Phibrizzo liked to gossip with the host of the Shard," Zechs shrugged. "It made the little hell-brat feel important. But I'm waiting to hear about all those throttlings."  
  
"Oh, well, see, he likes it," Heero explained.  
  
"I can see I'm really going to have to speak with Hakkai," Duo laughed. "I must be using my harisen wrong."  
  
Zechs made a discontented sound. "Well, if you're inviting Tabris, I'm calling Saionji," he groused. "Wufei's going to be too hammered before long to do anyone any good, and I don't see why I should be left out."  
  
"You want to bring Kougaiji?" Duo asked, surprised. "Well, if you want... although, I've got to say, he's always struck me as a little too... straightforward to enjoy anything Relena could think up. Hold on, I think I've got the number of the Pagoda That Could Never Be; he usually hangs out there. We can make the calls from the lobby."  
  
"You may have a point," Zechs confessed. "Tsuwabuki's little schemes might well be over his head. Maybe I'll just tell him to meet me afterwards. So where should we go?"  
  
"What about that place in Atlas City?" Heero asked.  
  
"The one with the waitress who doesn't talk?"  
  
"Yeah, that one; I know her sister, and Xellos won't want to offend her. Duo, you want to ride with me in Zero or follow?"  
  
"Eh, I'll take shotgun."  
  
"There isn't one."  
  
"I'll have to take 'Scythe, then," he winked. "No, I'll ride, but we'd better pick up Hakkai first. He could take years to get there in the jeep."  
  
"Don't worry about Xellos. He can teleport, if it's just him."  
  
"Well, in that case," Duo said, and jumped on the table to point dramatically at the huge double-doors and bellow, "To the coffeehouse! Let's go!"  
  
"Shut up and get down from there, you idiot," Heero said amiably into the dead silence, then dragged him out by the braid, Zechs cheerfully strolling along beside them.  
  
[The end, thank goodness]  
  
SEIYUU INFORMATION BY SERIES  
  
FUSHIGI YUUGI  
  
Midorikawa Hikaru: Tamahome  
  
Koyasu Takehito: Hotohori  
  
Ishida Akira: Renhou  
  
GUNDAM WING  
  
Midorikawa Hikaru: Heero Yuy  
  
Koyasu Takehito:: Zechs Marquise/Milliardo Peacecraft, pilot of Tallgeese  
  
Seki Toshihiko: Duo Maxwell  
  
Okiayu Ryutarou: Treize Kushrenada  
  
Yajima Akiko: Relena Darlian/Peacecraft  
  
SHOUJOU KAKUMEI UTENA  
  
Midorikawa Hikaru: Mikage  
  
Koyasu Takehito: Kiryuu Touga  
  
Okiayu Ryutarou: Tetsuya, Wakaba's Onion Prince  
  
Yajima Akiko: Mitsuru Tsuwabuki  
  
Kusao Takeshi: Saionji Kyouichi  
  
Kawamura Maria: A-ko (also Mamiya)  
  
SLAYERS  
  
Midorikawa Hikaru: Zelgadis  
  
Koyasu Takehito: Rezo (also Huey Einburg)  
  
Ishida Akira: Xellos Metallium (also Prince Jeffrey)  
  
Kawamura Maria: Naga the White Serpent  
  
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION  
  
Ishida Akira: Tabris, the Seventeenth Angel (also Kaworu Nagisa)  
  
Koyasu Takehito:: Aoba, one of Misato's console jockeys  
  
Seki Toshihiko: Asuka's father  
  
Kawamura Maria: Asuka's mother  
  
EXCELL SAGA  
  
Koyasu Takehito: Lord Ilpallazo  
  
Okiayu Ryutarou: Watanabe  
  
RANMA 1/2  
  
Koyasu Takehito: Daisuke (a friend of Ranma's who gets no curse and no action)  
  
Seki Toshihiko: Mousse/MuTse/the duck  
  
GENSOMADEN SAIYUKI  
  
Seki Toshihiko: Genjo Sanzo  
  
Ishida Akira: Cho Hakkai/Gonou  
  
Kusao Takeshi: Kou Gaiji  
  
Yajima Akiko: One of the four sorrowful maidens in ep 13. Don't know which.  
  
EL HAZARD  
  
Koyasu Takehito: someone, but the database doesn't tell me who  
  
Okiayu Ryutarou: Jinnai  
  
SEIYUU INFORMATION BY ACTOR  
  
MIDORIKAWA HIKARU  
  
Gundam Wing: Heero Yuy  
  
Slayers: Zelgadis  
  
Utena: Mikage Souji / Nemoru  
  
Fushigi Yuugi: Tamahome  
  
KOYASU TAKEHITO  
  
Gundam Wing: Zechs Marquise  
  
Slayers: Rezo (also Huey Einburg)  
  
Utena: Kiryuu Touga  
  
Eva: Aoba, one of Misato's console-jockeys  
  
Excell: Lord Ilpallazo  
  
Ranma: Daisuke, a friend of Ranma's.  
  
SEKI TOSHIHIKO  
  
Gundam Wing: Duo Maxwell  
  
Eva: Asuka's father  
  
Ranma: Mousse  
  
Saiyuki: Genjo Sanzo  
  
ISHIDA AKIRA  
  
Slayers: Xellos Metallium (also Prince Jeffrey)  
  
Fushigi Yuugi: Renhou  
  
Eva: Tabris the Angel (also Nagisa Kaworu)  
  
Saiyuki: Hakkai  
  
KUSAO TAKESHI  
  
Utena: Kyouichi Saionji  
  
Saiyuki: Kou Gaiji  
  
YAJIMA AKIKO  
  
Gundam Wing: Relena Darlian/Peacecraft  
  
Utena: Tsuwabuki Mitsuru  
  
Saiyuki: a Sorrowful Maiden from ep. 13  
  
OKIAYU RYUTAROU  
  
Gundam Wing: Treize  
  
Utena: Tetsuya, Wakaba's Onion Prince  
  
Excell: Watanabe  
  
El Hazard: Jinnai  
  
KAWAMURA MARIA  
  
Utena: A-ko (also Mamiya)  
  
Slayers: Naga the White Serpent  
  
Eva: Asuka's mother 


End file.
